28? more like 58.

A wise man once told me that you're only as old as the woman you feel. I recently turned 28 years old and whilst that is by no means a particular milestone in my life, it did get me to thinking. A decade ago when I turned 18, I thought very much ahead to the future and can safely say that none of what I imagined then has ended up being my reality. I was only about 5'6", quite slim at the time (It's the last time I recall having a flat stomach) and the only thing that is the same now as it was then is the size of my feet (UK size 12, in case you're wondering).

I thought that as I went through my twenties, I'd land a big job in an up-and-coming business, running some team doing something business-related, own a house with a garden and perhaps even be married with kids by the time I hit 25-30. It is somewhat shocking therefore to find myself in my current situation 10 years on. Don't get me wrong, I am not moaning about how my life is, I'm just perplexed about how it's worked out. I weigh more now that at any time in my life. I own a flat (Not a house, but hey, who does these days), I have a good job with some great prospects though it is certainly not a business-related management position and I couldn't be further from being married with kids if I tried.

I look to my brothers, particularly my older brother, and I do somewhat envy them. They each have beautiful kids and successful marriages. My older brother, in particular, has a good job for which he is probably by now heavily over-qualified and my younger brother can turn his hand to anything manual and just get it done. That ability has never failed to make me marvel at it. But with marriage comes responsibility and responsibility is something I am not cut out for. I can barely care for myself, let alone someone else. Still, at least the cat is still alive I guess. So there's me in the middle: No wife, no kids, a job that is good but will never, ever make me rich.

So you have to question these things sometimes. Do I want a wife? Do I want kids? Do I want to be rich? Will all that fulfill me? That's just it: I haven't the foggiest. I bimble on through the day-to-day and I am constantly asking myself what do I really want? Frighteningly I keep finding the answer to be "I don't know". When it comes to women, I'm next to useless at knowing what I want. My problem is I get bored easy and I don't like drama or playing little games. I'm straight up, no-nonsense and I really struggle to get interested to the point of pursuing someone and I know that quite a few women (Not all, I want to stress that) like to be pursued. I just can't summon up the willpower to do it. So obviously, without a long term relationship in the pipeline, I haven't met anyone who has "potential wife" stamped on their butt-cheeks. No wife = no kids. I'm not the kind of guy to want children outside of marriage or a stable, lengthy relationship. So basically I think I am likely to be in my 30's when that rolls round, if indeed it ever does. I may find that long-term girlfriends/marriage just isn't for me and therefore that'll be the end of it.

I have that overall feeling of tiredness. I can't help wondering whether it is akin to a mid-life crisis (At 28, that's a trifle concerning) where I find my enthusiasm just waning very quickly. In the moment, I'm fine. Take me out of the situation and I could take it or leave it. That pretty much works in any context you're willing to give it for me. My tolerance levels are low, though they were never high, and I find myself easily irritated by annoying little things like grumpy old people get. It's worrying, it really is!

So how to sort the situation out? Well I start on a new unit at work next week and that's bound to present some fresh challenges and take my mind off being me for a while. That said I intend to really start adopting a healthier lifestyle once I do start. I've said it time and again throughout the very existence of this blog that I want to get healthy and lose weight etc but it's about time I stopped moaning about it and started doing something about it. I keep accepting one-off dates with women but find that most want a guy who will look after them, pursue them, flatter them or simply pander to their ego/needs. I need a woman that can make me interested by simply being herself, being confident, sassy and electrifying whilst probably being either a chubby-chaser or somewhat willing to place less emphasis on a guys physical conditioning. But it's someone I need to find attractive. Asking too much? Quite probably.

As for being rich, that just will never happen. I am not a guy who will ever have a top notch job earning a ridiculous wage. I am far from being unintelligent but at the same time, I have very few qualifications and any future job would heavily rely on the "wow" factor of my current job to get me in the door. That's a risk I just cannot take.

Bottom line, I would appreciate it if someone could do my flat up for me. Thank you.

Oh, I need to drop about three and a half stone.

Shit.